Birthday Thoughts

I always ask my family "Do you want to come to mass with me?" -- with my higher pitched kiddy voice ( I know, I know-- as if my voice wasn't high enough already) -- but I always get a polite "Not really." Usually, I go to mass by myself. There are times I prefer to do so, so I can really focus and speak to God. But most of the times, I wish my family were as faithful. 'Peace' time is one of the highlights of the mass for me-- kids kissing their mommies, daddies, lolo's and lola's, brothers and sisters. I've even witnessed sweet little kids kiss their yaya's. When you're alone, with no one to kiss-- there's a lot of love to see and often times the most "awwww..." - inspiring moments. Watching these purest exchanges of love always gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. I don't really know how to call that fuzziness. Joy? Gratitude? Or maybe it is that love that I witness resonating. Given my super powers of persuasion for the day Chi agreed-- although not before trying to weasel his way out of it-- to come with me to mass. Julian was busy packing and Mom was helping him out. It was so nice to have Chi's arm to hold, assurance that someone is sharing your experience. Having him beside me gave me the courage to sing louder-- because "malakas kumanta na wala sa tono" is way better than "mag-isa na nga ang lakas pa kumantang wala sa tono." I remember up until a few years ago, my brothers would move heaven and earth to avoid our kisses-- even at church. Today, I kissed him and said "I love you." He said "I love you too" --words I have not heard for far too long. This is the best birthday present Chi has ever given me-- but then again, does he even give me presents?

As I pray, I wonder-- Where has my 25 years taken me? Where am I heading to? Who have I become? Answers to which are constantly changing. Certainty seems to be an illusion in my head-- like magic, that i can conjure up but sometimes disappears into thin air. It scares me. I wonder if the steps that I'm taking, if the decisions that I make are the right ones. I don't want to get lost in darkness, but even if the light slowly fades-- you don't realize you've gone too far until its pitch black. At the same time the thought of being a feather swept by the wind, not a care or worry in the world-- taking risks seizing opportunities-- is idyllic to me. And so it is the quarter-life crisis.

I start to imagine my life as a box and empty it. I ask myself "What would I put back in?"
As of today,
August 16, 2009
the day I turn 25
these are my "must keep"

Chi and Julian, my two little brothers who aren't so little anymore. These two boys unconsciously bully me into responsibility and sacrifice-- to be a better person, a better example. They are my reason for being.
Kisa, whose selflessness pushes me to be strong so that I may be her shield -- if only to pay her back for all the sacrifices and love she has given me all my life. She is the true meaning of an Ate, even if I never call her that. She is my inspiration.

My mother, who I love to hate and hate to love but nevertheless cannot live without. She is my weakness.
KC Joaquin, With unwavering willingness to listen (or atleast seem to) to all the nonsense that is me. She is my security. Pamela Joaquin whose passion and zest for love and life is delightful. She is my mirror. Vhernielou Gatapia, whose strength and simplicity has been taken negatively, but because of this the little affection she shows is truly genuine. She is my anti-thesis. Michelle Robles, whose humility and tenacity to live, laugh and love are contradicting but fits. She is my shadow-- or I hers.

God. No matter how far I stray, there is always something pulling me back. He is home.
My car, not because it is the first thing my real father gave me but because it gets me where I want to go. It is my independence.
I actually wipe away tears underneath my glasses as I kneel at church in gratitude. And when I think about these indispensibles, those fears don't seem to matter anymore.

and the cherry on top..
Kai,Santi,Janina,Sam,Tomax,Borris,Carlos,Seb and Olivia. The kids in my life. Just being around them fills my heart with joy. They are my refuge.
The Birdcage. Just because and All because of.. They are my strength.

Happy, happy birthday indeed.