A Letter to be Opened at the Event of my Death

The best part of Time Traveler's Wife that they left out..

Clare, I want to tell you, again, I love you. Our love has been the thread through my labyrinth, the net under the high-wire walker, the only real thing in this strange life of mine that I could ever trust. Tonight I feel that my love for you has more destiny in this world than I do, myself: as though it could linger on after me and surround you, keep you, hold you.

   I hate to think of you waiting. I know that you have been for me all your life, always uncertain of how long this patch of waiting would be. Ten minutes, ten days. A month. What an uncertain husband I have been Clare, like a sailor, Odysseus alone and buffeted by tall waves, sometimes wily and sometimes just a plaything of the gods. Please, Clare. When I am dead. Stop waiting and be free. Of me--put me deep inside of you and then go out in the world and live. Love the world and yourself in it, move through it as though it offers no resistance, as though the world is your natural element. I have given you a life of suspended animation. I don't mean to say that you have done nothing. You have created beauty and meaning, in your art, and Alba, who is amazing, and for me: for me you have been everything.
   After my mom died she ate my father up completely. She would have hated it. Every minute of his life since then has been marked by her absence, every action has lacked dimension because she is not there to measure against. And when I was young I didn't understand, but now I know, how absence can be present, like a damaged nerver, like a dark bird. If I had to live on without you I know I could not do it. But I hope, I have this vison of you walking unencumbered, with your shining hair in the sun. I have not seen this with my eyes but only with my imagination, that makes pictures and always wanted to paint you shining; but I hope that vision will be true anyway.
   Clare, there is one last thing, and I have hesitated to tell you, because I'm superstitiously afraid that telling might cause it to not happen (I know: silly) and also because I have just been going on about not waiting and this might cause you to wait longer than you have ever before. But I will tell you in case you need something, after.
   Last sumer, I was sitting in Kendrick's waiting room when I suddenly found myself in a dark hallway in a  house I don't know. I was sort of tangled up in a bunch of galoshes, and it smelled like rain. At the end of the halll I could see a rim of light around a door, ans so I went very slowly and very quietly to the door and looked in. The room was white, and intensely lit with morning sun. At the window, with her back to me, sat a woman, wearing a coral-colored cardigan sweater, with long wite hair all down her back. She had a cup of tea beside her, on a table. I must have made some little noise or she sensed me behind her... she turned and saw me, and I saw her, and it was you. Clare, this was you as an old woman, in the future. It was sweet, Clare, it was beyond telling, to come as though from death to hold you, and to see the years all presen in your face. I won't tell you any more, so you can imagine it, so you can have it unrehearsed when the time comes, as it will, as it does come. We will see each other agian, Clare. Until then, live, fully, present in the world, which is so beautiful.
   It's dark, now, and I am very tires. I love you, always. Time is nothing.

Henry

The Day is Too Precious to Waste on Sleep

I fell asleep a little before 2 in the morning last night but the time I read when i reached for my phone was only 535am. I was just lying in bed thinking for the next 25 minutes till my 6am alarm rang. Random things running through my head-- What am I going to wear today? How am I going to bring the bread to Everest? Remember Ina, remember to bring the Human Resource class list to work so that you can make the yahoo groups for the class--If you must know, I forgot.

It has been this way for the past three weeks. No matter what time I get to bed ( in varying levels of inebriation) I will always wake up early. I get an average of maybe 4 hours of sleep but I don't feel tired. Yes, there are seconds that I literally doze off while driving-- much like when you're fighting not to fall asleep in class running only on the sharp, short jolts of adrenaline you get as you catch yourself falling asleep, head jerking down. Dangerous while driving, I know-- that's why the surge of adrenaline is much more intense, but still does not last that long. Maybe I need a driver.

Cambodia is to blame for this. That's where it all started. Despite the 12 hour bus rides or drinking in the hotel lobby till sunrise, I would open my eyes bright and early to get ready for another adventure. It just feels like there are so many things out there to experience-- Why waste your time sleeping?

What things have been stealing my sleep from me?

What a way to spend the day with an enthusiastic Chris, bewildered Marie and friendship card Kace. Watching Tick tick Boom (Bea's directorial debut) and Up--both brought me to tears. This deal between dreams and responsibilities. Past, presents and futures. Fighting for and letting go. Faith and Doubt. Sleep and Waking? Is it just me, or does everything seem to be about these things now-a-days? Don't forget to breathe, they say in the play-- just like they say at Yoga. That Saturday was exactly that. We had plans, yes but nothing too restricting. Just observing the world, and not getting lost in it. I'd like to spend my time this way.

"I need a break, lets go swimming" declared my brother on Sunday afternoon. I was determined to exercise that day. I crossed out Yoga-- "Ina, you have to be more frugal." Muay Thai at Elorde was the game plan but my friend said the Muay Thai trainer is out on Sundays and the butt I was going to kick was not answering-- Yes, that is you Ms. KC Joaquin. Chi was my savior from "I'm too fat to go to Pagudpod this weekend issues" hahaha. The sky was a lovely sea of orange. The sloshing of the water from the strokes of my arms and my bubbles drowning out all the noise in the world. After our swim, Chi and I decided to walk home. " What do you like doing, Chi? What are your passions?" I encouraged him to go and find people that would bring him closer to the things he wanted in life-- namely Cars, Computers and Traveling. Live out your passions, I say-- then people who love what you do will come to you. I tell him that it was a good swim, that we should do it more often.. but really I just like spending time with my brother. Sometimes, I feel like he really thinks about my trinkets of inspiration and compassion for others. That somehow, I am changing some of the hardness in his heart.

A healthy dinner and wine at the park with a good friend who I haven't really given the time of day. It's like this-- You thought that that salad was the best , up until we came here, to Old Vine and tasted this phenomenal Tessie Tomas Salad that has changed the course of the world. Rocky is secretive, and so I wish not to divulge the content of our night's conversation-- suffice it to say though that it ranks high on my favorites list. The thought that he thought of me in his quest for purpose and understanding to life and all its intricacies is the ultimate form of appreciation to me. Thank you, The Ementhal cheese was a nice touch. Sa uulitin.

7 in the morning, stuck in Monday morning traffic-- I decide to call Vee. We talk about nothing really.. Are you on your way to work? What happened last Saturday? Do you want to watch I love you so? I really do! -- That's Vee, not me. Haha. We just giggle and laugh at ourselves but it's nice. I realize how much I miss her and that sometimes I don't have to have a reason to call.

Leo Cabredo calling, "What's up Ley?" We talk about grad school, scholarships, independence, entrepreneurship, being part of something big, experience. Itchy feet and sticks up his ass. Perhaps we are Seriously Screwed. And he says "Hey, I didn't even need to bring you to dinner for that." Thanks Leo! Now I get this JP, Em, RJ and the rest of the Brokeback boys calling each other every morning just to chat. Where I used to violently ask "What could you possibly talk about??" Apparently, more than I can imagine.

Stealing Kace out of her office for coffee no food, that turned into Roast Beef plate at Dayrit's. I've been spending a lot of time with Kace lately, more than usual-- if that is even possible. She is the person I see most often, next only to myself. It's different though-- Now I don't feel like I have to run down the moments in my life since I last saw her, in blow by blow boring detail. We can just be. Have a good cup of coffee, or a sinful plate of Keema Rice and Beef Shawarma Rice in Ababu at 2 in the morning and be content. (We'll cry about the calories later)

Waiting at BreadTalk with Alvin, who's face is as burnt to a crisp as his heart is. Of love and bloodshed should be the title of that conversation. You live, you love, you learn, you move on. There are better things in store for you, one day you'll find it. Don't lose hope. His simplicity and sincerity is surprising. We make new friends everyday, we just have to take the chance to reach out. Thank you for the Bohol shirt and the bracelet! I appreciated it, I am still receiving birthday greetings till now?

All it takes is that little push to open yourself up to things, to others, to experiences. You'll be surprised at the the treasures in store for you.
The day is too precious to waste on sleep.

Wonderful Surprises

I got to work this morning to find this little brown paper bag sitting on my desk. May is our "promodizer" from the Trinoma branch of Anson's-- she is such a sweetheart and has always tried to push herself to reach further and further. Worthless is hardly the word to describe her present. She does not know how much this means to me. The time she had set aside to ask herself, "What would Ina like?"-- to set aside her sea of worries and responsibilities and think of me is already enough. I remember sharing how much God had changed my life in the past year-- the fact that she remembered this bit of information really warms my heart. The color is perfect too.. Second on my favorite colors list. Her little inspiring note too is perfect, for I love writing letters and cards but have never really gotten any of late. Don't lose faith in the seeds you sow, for one day they will bear fruit.
Most important of all, is that I know these little trinkets were not easy for her to give-- raising her little girl born sometime this year. Much like the Widow's Mite-- Luke 21:4 "This poor widow cast in more than they all: for all these did of their superfluity cast in unto the gifts; but she of her want did cast in all the living that she had."

Now I am sure, that I am exactly where I should be. Thank you, May.

Birthday Thoughts

I always ask my family "Do you want to come to mass with me?" -- with my higher pitched kiddy voice ( I know, I know-- as if my voice wasn't high enough already) -- but I always get a polite "Not really." Usually, I go to mass by myself. There are times I prefer to do so, so I can really focus and speak to God. But most of the times, I wish my family were as faithful. 'Peace' time is one of the highlights of the mass for me-- kids kissing their mommies, daddies, lolo's and lola's, brothers and sisters. I've even witnessed sweet little kids kiss their yaya's. When you're alone, with no one to kiss-- there's a lot of love to see and often times the most "awwww..." - inspiring moments. Watching these purest exchanges of love always gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. I don't really know how to call that fuzziness. Joy? Gratitude? Or maybe it is that love that I witness resonating. Given my super powers of persuasion for the day Chi agreed-- although not before trying to weasel his way out of it-- to come with me to mass. Julian was busy packing and Mom was helping him out. It was so nice to have Chi's arm to hold, assurance that someone is sharing your experience. Having him beside me gave me the courage to sing louder-- because "malakas kumanta na wala sa tono" is way better than "mag-isa na nga ang lakas pa kumantang wala sa tono." I remember up until a few years ago, my brothers would move heaven and earth to avoid our kisses-- even at church. Today, I kissed him and said "I love you." He said "I love you too" --words I have not heard for far too long. This is the best birthday present Chi has ever given me-- but then again, does he even give me presents?

As I pray, I wonder-- Where has my 25 years taken me? Where am I heading to? Who have I become? Answers to which are constantly changing. Certainty seems to be an illusion in my head-- like magic, that i can conjure up but sometimes disappears into thin air. It scares me. I wonder if the steps that I'm taking, if the decisions that I make are the right ones. I don't want to get lost in darkness, but even if the light slowly fades-- you don't realize you've gone too far until its pitch black. At the same time the thought of being a feather swept by the wind, not a care or worry in the world-- taking risks seizing opportunities-- is idyllic to me. And so it is the quarter-life crisis.

I start to imagine my life as a box and empty it. I ask myself "What would I put back in?"
As of today,
August 16, 2009
the day I turn 25
these are my "must keep"

Chi and Julian, my two little brothers who aren't so little anymore. These two boys unconsciously bully me into responsibility and sacrifice-- to be a better person, a better example. They are my reason for being.
Kisa, whose selflessness pushes me to be strong so that I may be her shield -- if only to pay her back for all the sacrifices and love she has given me all my life. She is the true meaning of an Ate, even if I never call her that. She is my inspiration.

My mother, who I love to hate and hate to love but nevertheless cannot live without. She is my weakness.
KC Joaquin, With unwavering willingness to listen (or atleast seem to) to all the nonsense that is me. She is my security. Pamela Joaquin whose passion and zest for love and life is delightful. She is my mirror. Vhernielou Gatapia, whose strength and simplicity has been taken negatively, but because of this the little affection she shows is truly genuine. She is my anti-thesis. Michelle Robles, whose humility and tenacity to live, laugh and love are contradicting but fits. She is my shadow-- or I hers.

God. No matter how far I stray, there is always something pulling me back. He is home.
My car, not because it is the first thing my real father gave me but because it gets me where I want to go. It is my independence.
I actually wipe away tears underneath my glasses as I kneel at church in gratitude. And when I think about these indispensibles, those fears don't seem to matter anymore.

and the cherry on top..
Kai,Santi,Janina,Sam,Tomax,Borris,Carlos,Seb and Olivia. The kids in my life. Just being around them fills my heart with joy. They are my refuge.
The Birdcage. Just because and All because of.. They are my strength.

Happy, happy birthday indeed.